WHO SAYS I CAN'T BE FREE FROM ALL OF THE THINGS THAT I USED TO BE

"Nothing to do, nowhere to be, a simple little kind of free

nothing to do, no one but me, and that's all I need

I am perfectly lonely"

I like John Mayer, 

the song above is not one of the better ones but the lyrics suit my feelings today...

HANDS

Holding hands whole hand or holding hands entwined fingers?

RAIN TO RINSE OUT MY HEAD AND CLEAN MY HEART

Julie Deply

PLEASE PUT ON YOUR SHOES,

Come here...

And lend me a hand

your hand

HUSSSH

I feel like (a)....

a new light
like sugar
like cherry blossoms in summer night time

like thin paper hearts
like porcelain 
like honeysuckle (dew)
like giraffe crayons
like warm chocolate cookies
like a rainbow
like red painted toe nails
like the sun's reflection
like wet puppy nose

LITTLE TEA POT

When I was in my teens my mom gave me a small tea pot in light blue.

She said that it was for me to bring with me, when I moved to my own place someday. 

My first tea pot.

It's been years.

It is when I go "home" that I bring out my tea pot.

My first tea pot belongs to a time before 'my own life'. It is nice that is stands on the shelf every time I return.

KVIDEWIT

I was listening closely to what the birds were singing this morning outside my window (my guess was 'Why oh why?" because the snow was once again falling).

My mom always used to call me her little bird, she said I had bird shoulders. 

Once when I was in a bad place she said I was a little bird with broken wings.

When things got better I remember thinking I felt like a hawk, like an eagle rising.

The mint green mushroom with a white hat above is my mom's home for the birds.

LIGHT BULB OR LIGHTBULB?

I can't reach to change the light bulb/lightbulb in my hallway. I don't have a chair. 

- I can't see what's in the cubers (guess it will have to be a suprise each day to see what shirt I get to wear)

+ Saving energy

Next obsession -- to cut things apart.

LIFE MACHINE

I am in serious need of intimacy 

NEW TREASURES

I am proud to say I believe myself this time, that I have gotten past the past - that the past is truly in the past, and no longer interfering with the present.

Old hurt, old love and even old joy - I don't want you anymore.

No more dwelling,

blank sheet,

over over over

over over

over

I want it to be over

I am finally free, and so are you

I do not want to go back,

it wouldn't and will never be any different

I can not keep trying to make the past life present again

It is a repetition -- unhealthy, and frankly it is getting old and fucking boring

I want to write a new chapter

perhaps even a new book

Thank you for what you gave

for me to put in my backpack

I will carry it with me

when I go, to find new

treasures

I hope you find them too

JUST ANOTHER QUOTE

"Well maybe you should just drink a lot less coffee
and never ever watch the ten o'clock news
maybe you should kiss someone nice
or lick a rock, or both

maybe you should cut your own hair
cause that can be so funny
it doesn't cost any money
and it always grows back,
hair grows even after you're dead and

people are just people
they shouldn't make you nervous
the world is everlasting, it's coming and it's going
if you don't toss your plastic
the street won't be so plastic
and if you kiss somebody then both of you'll get practice
the world is everlasting
put dirtballs in your pocket
put dirtballs in your pocket and take off both your shoes
cause people are just people
people are just people
people are just people like you"

Regina Spektor - Ghost of corporate future

JUST A QUOTE

"Now I've been sitting on this abandoned beach for years
Waiting for the salty water to cover up my ears
But every time the tide come in to take me home
I get scared, now I'm sitting here alone dreaming of the dolphin song"

Regina Spektor - Folding chair

MISS CASTRO IN SOUTH OF FRANCE

This lady made me get skype.

CIRCLES

When someone draws invisible circles and lines in the palm of my hand and down on the wrist with their finger...

CHANGING MY PATTERN

You find the pattern, you see it, and you change it. You can only change your life and/or yourself once you see the pattern - your life pattern, you will need to change habits, the lifestyle that you lead and perhaps people. 

Self destructive pattern -- remove what makes you repeat your actions (you can not remove yourself), remove what externally limits and keeps you.

DON'T WANT TO THINK

I want to lay my body on a field of green with a book, a cigarette and a cup of tea, I want to lay on my back with arms spread out -- all the room in the world

I would watch the shadows on the ground of the traveling clouds above in the gentle breeze -- like fingertips on shoulder blades

NEED TO BE CLOSE

I pretend that I have relationships with strangers on the train. He stood close to me, his arm brushed against mine, it felt like we were standing in an electric field. He smelled clean and soapy, I imagined being embraced by him, hugged, held. I imagined having my hand squeezed by him.  I closed my eyes and wondered how you would look at me if I was your girlfriend, if you were in love with me, if you thought the world of me. I wondered how our lips would feel, what it would feel like to be naked with you.  At the next stop you hurried off the train and vanished into the morning buzz.

CAN'T WALK BACK

My darling, I am happy to say this love affair is over

BEAUTIFUL WOMAN

WAX TAILOR

Cried all night. Woke up feeling like an empty rain cloud. My heart hurts, I feel sad, I feel betrayed, I feel guilty.

I haven't been able to sleep much lately. I keep waking up in the middle of the night and have trouble going back to sleep, and when I do sleep I feel I sleep so lightly I can even find myself thinking "I am not really asleep", then I wake up around five or six in the morning and begin another panda eyed day.

To have a reputation, all those insecurities, knowing the right people, "being someone", wearing "the right things". I was not good enough to keep as a friend, and neither are you (based on the above).

"Lazy self indulgent girl who is driving herself crazy".

Master at doing something (everything), for nothing.

DHAMMAPADA

"Hon är en produkt av sina egna handlingar och har endast sig själv att skylla för alla sina olyckor. Men å andra sidan är hon fri att vilja en förändring. Av egen kraft kan hon påverka sitt öde, och endast hon själv kan det. Någon gudomlig nåd kan hon inte hoppas på. Hon måste påtaga sig det fulla ansvaret för sitt öde".

"Hon kan lära sig inse att alla missförhållanden har sina orsaker och de viktigaste av dessa orsaker ligger inom henne själv och kan därför påverkas. Hon kan inse att egoismen beror på en missuppfattning och att okunnighet, begär och aggression är de väsentliga inre orsakerna till hennes lidande".

Inledning i 'Dhammapada'.

SPRING BIKE PLANTS WHERE IS THE SEA?

Pretending spring will be here soon. Keep thinking about how I will know more (answers will be given and based on them I will have to make some decisions), and about finding a cheap old lady's bike (with a basket) to fall in love with...

I keep thinking about having my own home too. A real home. For the last 5 years I have moved almost exactly every 3-4 months, no joke. Usually it's been more and when I have had nowhere to go I have slept in kitchens, on couches, floors so on. It has drained me completely. Don't make the mistake. Starting over takes time (time one can use for better things, like living).

-17 degrees C. No picnic.

Went to the cinema to see 'An Education' for the second time. Such a lovely film.

SOUL FOOD

I have this strong obsession with getting rid of things. Material first of all, but also feelings and "old life", sometimes even people.

I feel like the less I possess (material) the more free I am. 

I want knowledge and to feed the inner person.

PONYO

I fell asleep last night while watching 'Ponyo' (picture above is from the very sweet and cute beginning of it - then I was gone) after making a lot of food for lunch boxes.

Today I went to Magasin 3 to see the work of Maria Nepomuceno. I liked it a lot. 

Then I went to the library and borrowed three DVD's, ate my picnic at a very long bus ride, drank coffee and walked in the sun while watching people. I bought some paint, read, handed in a film for development. A nice day, calm and slow.

From march 6 to may 2 there's a exhibition at the Culture house in Stockholm called 'Tokyo Stories'. Photographs by three different photographers, of the city from the 1930's til today. 

Getting ready in the morning.

Song: Cocorosie - Not for sale

PROMISE

I signed a contract in ink this morning with myself - A deal with myself.

Song: Notch - Nuttin' No Go So

FLESHY

How does one change habits? 

How does one get rid of these vices, these addictions? This fucking bad pattern.

I make up my mind and begin making a change and then I fall back into the pattern. 'Cause it's easier? Fragile person? Dumb brain? Lazy fucker? Confused human?

CARE BELIEVE

I have been raised this way and I am now also a firm believer.

You have to take care of yourself, because no one else will. You are your own maker.

GENTLE

I can't even begin to describe what I feel when someone touches my hair, it feels like I am going to faint, it is total bliss and goose bump feast.

The XX

Such a nice band. I have been lighting candles at night listening to them and relaxing for an hour before bed. This song is called Heart skipped a beat.

(the noise in the background is someone outside my window scooping up chunky snow)

RAMBLE

I don't have much, but the things that I do have that cover more than the average human being's basic needs... what right do I have to them? I worked hard? I yearned them?

What about the people with nothing? The people that don't have enough to cover their basic needs (the basic needs of the average human being). Did they not work hard enough? Have they not yearned it? Did they deserve it?

Should it not be my duty to help balance the way it is?...

We are drowning in possessions and excess and it is making me more and more sick of society.

FEELING TRANSPARENT AND PALE

Ruined would describe how I feel most days now. I think I have gotten more pale lately, if that's possible. I have so much to tell, but no power to talk. Two weeks ago I felt so happy and I can't even smile now, I walk in a haze, I just want to drink wine and watch films.

I keep dreaming about the hospital, about how that's the one time when I actually felt like I fit in. Sad. Is it sad that I write it here? You know what, it doesn't matter, really it doesn't, the few I love will love me back despite all of that. I love you, and love not feeling like I have to impress or prove anything, because I know.

The lights just died in my bathroom.

POLITICAL SCIENCE

 

Everything can be turned into a political question/issue, but if politics equals everything then politics must be nothing?

Not said by me.

CUNT FACE

Self portrait

TOAST

My key ring is a crying toast. Thank you Max.