HOPE(LESS), WORTH(LESS), USE(LESS) - HOPE IS WORTH BEING USED

THESE SENTENCES ARE FROM DIFFERENT POEMS THAT I WROTE WHEN I WAS LITTLE AND HAD JUST STARTED TO TRY WRITING IN ENGLISH. AND SOME OF THEM ARE FROM LETTERS AND DIARIES I WROTE AS A TEENAGER. I JUST PUT THEM ALL TOGETHER.

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IN SHAPE OF LETTERS, WORDS AND SENTENCES. WITH BLACK INK ON WHITE PAPER. WINTER GOING SPRING, TIME PASSING, PEOPLE ENTERING AND LEAVING. THE THIRD WEEK IN NOVEMBER LAST WINTER YOU ARRIVED. IT WAS SNOWING ALL THE TIME AND I HAD BEEN FEELING LIKE THE ONLY LONELY FLAKE FOREVER FALLING.

WHITE PORCELAIN AND STAINS OF SHAME. SCARS AND MEMORIES REMAIN, AND TO GROW SCAR TISSUE THICK ENOUGH FOR A NEXT ROUND TAKES TIME.

NOT UNTOUCHED AND NOT UNSPOILED, JUST UNSPOKEN LIKE TOO MANY OTHER WORKS OF THE SKULL CONTENT.

SMALL DETAILS TO CAPTURE AND SAVE. LIDS EMBRACING, HIDING AND PROTECTING EYES FROM LIFE, FROM NIGHT.

YOU WERE NEVER TRUE OR REAL OR WITH HONEST INTENTIONS, I REMEMBER THE TUESDAY I HAD NOTHING TO SAY, I TRIED TO SWALLOW, COULDN'T CRY. 

I FIND THE ART IN SELF-DESTRUCTION INTRIGUING.

YESTERDAY I THOUGHT ABOUT WHAT THEY ASKED YOU WHEN YOU WERE AROUND SIX OR SEVEN YEARS OLD, "WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?". I GUESS THAT I AM ALL GROWN UP NOW, BECAUSE NO ONE HARDLY EVER WONDERS ANYMORE. I WANT TO BE, THAT IS WHAT I WANT TO BE. BE, AS IN LIVING AND NOT JUST EXISTING.

IT IS EASY TO COMPLICATE, BUT STILL I NEVER WANT TO SETTLE FOR LESS.

AFTER SEVENTEEN YEARS ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE WALL YOU ARE GONE. IF I KNOCK NOW, NO ONE WILL ANSWER.

I REMEMBER THE DAY ON THE BUS, IT MUST BE OVER A YEAR NOW, I SAT NEXT TO THIS WOMAN WITH THREE BAGS AND A BURRITO - IT FELL APART. I THOUGHT THAT EVERYTHING FALLS APART IN THE END. IT IS THE CHANGES THAT PUTS US TO THE TEST, WE GROW APART, IT FALLS APART. WHY PREVENT THE PROCESS OF LIFE? KEEP THE CHANGES COMING. IN THE BURRITO'S CASE THE CHANGE CAME WHEN THE WOMAN TURNED IT OVER. IT FELL APART AND WHO WAS TO STOP IT?

HOPE(LESS), WORTH(LESS), USE(LESS) - HOPE IS WORTH BEING USED.

FLICKERING EYE LASHES ON MY CHEEK.

MOVE THE TABLE TO THE WINDOW.

I LOVE YOU SO.

I HAVE A SCAR THAT IS PERFECT AND ROUND. IT WAS MADE TWO YEARS AGO, SKIN PIERCED BY ACCIDENT, IT CARRIES KIND BROWN EYES.

END IT WHEN THEY LEAST EXPECT IT.

I JUST GOT OFF THE PHONE WITH YOU AND I HAVE DECIDED TO NEVER WRITE ABOUT YOU AGAIN. I WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO PUT WORDS TO IT OR MAKE ANYONE UNDERSTAND, THAT IT CAN'T GET ANY BETTER.

WITH CEREAL ON MY MIND I FELL IN LOVE WITH A WOMAN ON THE TRAIN. SHE LOOKED SO HAPPY AND SO FREE. I IMAGINED THAT SHE LIKED THE SIMPLE THINGS IN LIFE, AND THAT THEY LIKED HER TOO. SHE WAS SHINY AND SUNNY, LIKE A CORNFLAKE.

IN GERMANY I SAT IN THE BACK OF THE CAR WITH NO SHOES ON AND THE WINDOW OPEN. SUN AND WIND AND I WAS THE BLISSFUL. IN GERMANY I SAT IN THE BACK OF THE CAR WITH A WARM SWEATER ON AND THE WINDOW CLOSED. RAIN AND GREY CLOUDS AND I WAS THE BLISSFUL.

I SIT THERE AND I MIX COLORS IN MY HEAD. I AM TRYING TO COME UP WITH ONE THAT I HAVE NEVER SEEN BEFORE. IT IS NOT EASY.

THE PAINTING HAD MOVING EYES, IT KEPT ME UP AT NIGHT.

SICK APPLES WITH RED CHEEKS, I WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU. DELICIOUSLY GOLDEN AND GREEN.

I TOLD MY MOTHER AND FATHER THAT FROM NOW ON OUR HOME IS A FOREST AND I AM A BEAR AND MY SOUL IS A WATERFALL.

I GOT CAUGHT IN THE DOOR HANDLE, MY SHIRT BROKE IN TWO.

WAITING FOR YOU, WITH A SANDWICH GROWING OLD IN MY HAND.

I THINK ABOUT HIM ALL THE TIME, AND IT'S NO GOOD.

I MADE SMALL NOISES AND THEY LISTENED. I TRIED TO NOT BE SO HUMAN. I WAS WATCHING THEM WATCH ME AND THEY LISTENED, TO THE SMALL AND NOT SO HUMAN SOUNDS.

LIST OF THINGS THAT NEED TO BE DONE: BUY NOODLES, COOK NOODLES.

JEREMY THE FEATHER WAS BORN IN A PILLOW. LIFE IN DARK, DREAMS OF AIR. 

TRY TO BE PATIENT, HOLD IT DOWN, HIDE THUMPING CHEST, KICK EMOTIONS OVER TO THE BACK, LET THEM EAT YOUR SPINE AND CREATE A FRACTURE - A SYMBOL FOR THE ACHING NEED OF COTTON'S BIGGEST SECRET.

TO LIFT LIKE WINGS, TO WATCH NEWBORN BABY TWIG CARRY BARE SKIN SENSITIVE TO MORNING, TO SEE THE MELANCHOLY OF FIELDS ABSENT FROM TREES, TO HEAR LONELY CONVERSATION OF BIRD WEARING SHINY FEATHERS, FEATHER IN WHITE WITH SPOT IN GREY - TALE OF JEREMY.

AGITATIONS CARESSING BONE MARROW, BUT HOPE IS FADING.

EXPOSE ME TO THE LIGHTS OF THE SKY, PLEASE.

WIND ENTERING THE ROOM, TICKLING TIP OF FUR, GENTLE BUT STRONG LIKE BEAR WITH NO TEETH.

TAKE ME AWAY AND DRESS ME IN THE LIGHTS OF THE SKY.

LEAVING DREAMS FOR REALITY.

ALWAYS TEARS THROUGH WIRES, ALWAYS YOU WORRIED AND LEADING PAIN AWAY, ALWAYS COMFORT, ALWAYS SPECIAL PLACE - HIDING PLACE.

YOU ARE THE ONLY ONE I SEE, GRASS AND AIR AND YOUR SMILE.

DAYS BEFORE THIS MOMENT MY BROTHER USED TO COME HOME FOR CHRISTMAS. HE WOULD PICK ME UP FROM SCHOOL AND I WOULD FEEL SO PROUD TO BE HIS SISTER. I REMEMBER THE WAY THAT HE SMELLED WHEN HE LEFT AGAIN. PERFUME, CIGARETTES AND JONATHAN. I LIKED IT. HE LIFTED ME, I HUGGED HIM GOODBYE, MY PANTS WERE TOO SHORT, AND THEN HE WALKED OUT LIKE HE NEVER CAME AND DISAPPEARED IN SNOW AND DARK. I WROTE HIM LETTERS BUT HE WAS YOUNG AND BUSY.

DAYS BEFORE THIS MOMENT ALIENS AND DINOSAURS WERE SIGNIFICANT, SITTING ON THE FLOOR AND DRINKING LEMONADE MADE ME HAPPY AND DRESSING UP TO PLAY KEYBOARD IN MIIKA'S CLOSET WERE GOOD TIMES.

DAYS BEFORE THIS MOMENT I HAD A FRIEND, HE WORE BLACK NAIL POLISH AND DIDN'T TALK VERY MUCH. I WOULD STAY OVER DURING THE WEEKENDS AND WE WOULD SIT ON HIS PENGUIN BLANKET. IN THE MORNING HIS MOM WOULD MAKE US PANCAKES. THEN HE GOT A GIRLFRIEND AND I HARDLY EVER SAW HIM ANYMORE.

DAYS BEFORE THIS MOMENT I HAD SEVEN PAIRS OF BLUE PANTS IN SOFT MATERIALS. THEY WERE ALL BLUE, BUT NOT THE EXACT SAMT SHAPE. IF I WANTED TO I COULD WEAR A NEW PAIR FOR EACH DAY OF THE WEEK, BUT I DIDN'T.

DAYS BEFORE THIS MOMENT I USED TO SAVE PLASTIC BAGS. ONE DAY I PUT THEM IN A TREE OUTSIDE MY HOUSE, THEY ALL FELL TO THE GROUND AND I WATCHED THEM. I STILL MANAGED TO TAKE A PICTURE, AFTER THAT I WAS FINISHED - MY WORK WAS DONE.

SOMETIMES I FEEL SO SMALL AND SO VERY TIRED.

I WANT TO HIDE.

I WISH I WAS A HERMIT.

I WOULD LIVE IN A SEA SHELL, A PEARL HOUSE ON A EMPTY AND WINDY BEACH.

FIRST I WOULD PACK MY BAG AND BRING A BANANA AND A PIECE OF CHEESE, THEN LEAVE WITHOUT TELLING.

FROM THE PEARL HOUSE I WOULD SEND A FEW POSTCARDS, WITHOUT REVEALING FROM WHERE THEY WERE SENT.

I COULD SPEND MY DAYS LISTENING TO THE OCEAN AND TO THE WHISTLING WIND AND I WOULD HAVE A SMALL PLANT THAT I WOULD BE GOOD TO AND I WOULD LEARN TO LOVE TEA SO THAT I COULD HAVE A TEA POT ON MY TABLE (WITHOUT THAT BEING STRANGE).

ON MY WALLS I WOULD PUT UP BLURRY PHOTOGRAPHS IN BLACK AND WHITE, AND AT NIGHT I COULD SIT OUTSIDE AND LET MY EYES REST AT THE STARS THAT ARE SO PERFECTLY PINNED DOWN ON BEAUTIFUL VELVET IN BLACK.

I COULD PLAY WITH THE SAND UNTIL THE RISING OF THE SUN AND THEN I COULD SEARCH FOR STONES AND ROCKS MADE SMOOTH BY THE WAVES OF THE OCEAN, PERHAPS I COULD KEEP THEM IN A SMALL JAR OR BOWL IN MY WINDOW. TINY WINDOW, JUST BIG/SMALL ENOUGH FOR ME TO SEE THE WATER AND THE STARS.

IN MY SEA SHELL I WOULD HAVE A BOOK CASE TOO, FILLED AND STACKED WITH BOOKS.

I WOULD SPEN MY DAYS ALONE, READING AND WRITING AND LISTENING, DRINKING AND LOVING TEA.

SOMETIMES I WOULD GIVE MY PLANT SOME EXTRA ATTENTION AND OXYGEN, AROUND LUNCH TIME.

THERE WOULD BE NO WORRIES, NO EXPECTATIONS. I WOULD JUST BE HAPPY.

I STAND WITH MY FEET BARE ON A ROCK IN A LAKE WITH A SOCK IN ONE HAND AND YOUR SWEET VOICE IN ONE EAR. WET WORN OUT JEANS, I WALK TO THE TUB. MY CHEEKS ARE RED, MY HAIR SMELLS NICE FROM THE RAIN AND THE SKIN FEELS CLEAN. THE HURT IS GONE AND SO IS THE RAIN. I JUST EXPERIENCED THIS YEAR'S PERFECT RAINFALL. I SIT IN THE CORNER OF THE BATH TUB, THE WATER LOOKS GREEN AND THE BUBBLES PINK.

I LISTEN AS MY DAD TELLS ME THE STORIES OF HIS PAST YEARS, AND I WATCH THE HAIR ON HIS ARMS RISE TO THE SKY.

I PLAN MY LIFE, MY PURITY, MY FREEDOM AND MY RELIEF - I CREATE A PERSON I CAN CALL MY OWN, BUT NOTHING TURNS OUT THE WAY WE PLANNED IT, DOES IT?

FOR EVERY NEW MISTAKE THAT I MAKE I MAKE A NEW PROMISE - TO NEVER DO IT AGAIN. BUT FOR EVERY NEW PROMISE I MAKE AN OLD IS BROKEN.

TRUTH IS A STRANGER AROUND HERE, AND WE ARE ALL TOLD NOT TO TALK TO HER.

I FOUND A NOTE TO MONO IN A SEA OF LEGS. I WATCHED YOU SEARCH FOR HER IN THE CROWD.

A CANDLE BY THE MIRROR, I WATCH MY EYES BURN. UNDER BLUE AND WHITE LAYERS, PROTECTED FROM WIND AND STORM, I WATCH YOU SLEEP. 

I CRAWL CLOSER TO MY SKIN, FIND COMFORT IN MY OWN BODY. I AM SECRETLY FALLING APART BUT THIS TIME YOU DON'T NEED TO KNOW.

I HELD HIS HAND FOR THE FIRST TIME ON THE GRAVE YARD, WE ADMIRED THE CHANGING COLORS IN THE SKY AND THE PATTERNS PAINTED BY THE ARMS OF TREES.

IT'S NOT SO FUCKING EASY IS IT?

IT SCARES ME THAT I HAVE ONLY KNOWN YOU A SHORT PERIOD OF TIME, BUT STILL YOU HAVE MANAGED TO CHANGE SO MUCH FOR ME. AND AFTER THIS WEEKEND I AM FINALLY SEEING THAT YOU NEED ME TOO. SO HERE, I PUT MY HEART ON THIS TABLE FOR YOU TO SLICE HOWEVER YOU LIKE. BECAUSE I TRUST YOU.

FRECKLES LIKE STARS. WRAP YOU IN SILK AND FEED YOU KISSES.

YOU STIMULATE MY MIND AND YOU INSPIRE ME.

I ADMIRE YOU FOR THE WAY THAT YOU PUT WORDS TO FEELINGS. FLAWLESS.

AND YOU HAVE THE KIND OF SMILE THAT SEEMS TO BE BUILT UP ON ALL THE DETAILS THAT MAKES LIFE GOOD. SUNNY MORNING.

HELLO, MY FOOT IS ASLEEP. ALMOND AND VANILLA.

FINGERTIPS ON SHOULDER, TEARY RED EYES. YOU PLAYED ME TEREZA AND TOMAS AT YOUR MOVING IN PARTY. YOUR EX GIRLFRIEND GAVE US MORE DRINKS. AND THIS MORNING I THOUGHT ABOUT THE SHITTY BOAT THAT YOU TOLD ME ABOUT - THE ONE THAT WORKS REALLY BADLY BUT THAT YOU ARE USED TO, AND KNOW HOW TO DRIVE. AND THEN THE BIG FANCY ONE, THAT YOU JUST CAN'T HANDLE. IT'S EASIER TO DEAL WITH WHAT YOU KNOW, EVEN THOUGH IT MIGHT NOT BE THE BEST.

BUT I LOVE YOU, I GIVE YOU THAT PROMISE.

PROTECT YOU FROM THE RAIN WITH AN UMBRELLA, FROM THE SNOW WITH SHOES MADE OUT OF A DEER'S SKIN AND FROM THE JUDGEMENTAL SUN WITH THE SHADE OF THE BUSHES IN THE GARDEN. YOU DRESS MY FOOT AND YOU PROTECT ME FROM THINGS ON THE FLOOR AND FROM THE COLD AT NIGHT AND FROM THE UNCOMFORTABLE INSIDE OF MY SHOE. YOU LOOK SO USED AND OLD, THE FABRIC FEELS FUNNY AND LOOSE, BUT YOU KNOW I DON'T MIND...

HER MOTHER ALWAYS DRESSED HER UP IN THE PRETTIEST OF DRESSES. SMALL WHITE SOCKS WITH EMBROIDED FLOWER IN WHITE ON THE SIDE, WHITE ON WHITE - LIKE FADED SCAR ON PALE SKIN, LIKE MILK STAIN ON WHITE SHEET, HIDDEN UNDER BLANKETS. BUTTERFLY IN HAIR AND SHINY DANCING SHOES. IN THE DOLL ROOM LIPS WERE PULLED AND EYES WERE FILLED. RED LITTLE FOX PUTTING A TRAY DOWN, CUP IN PLASTIC AND FLUID MADE OUT OF AIR.

SHE DREAMT OF THE FIELDS WITH THE WHITE FLOWERS, NAMELESS AND PROUD. HER WRIST CARRIES SMALL PEARLS IN PINK, THEY LEAVE A MARK. BLACK HEART, SPARKLING AND DARK. EMMA DRAWS AN INVISIBLE FACE WITH HER FINGERS ON HER KNEE. AT THE EDGES OF HER BED GREEN GRASS GROWS HIGH, BUT SHE WAITS FOR THE WHITE FLOWERS TO FIND GROUND AND WATCH AS SHE AT NIGHT PUTS HER BODY TO SLEEP. CRACKS IN THE FLOOR TO FILL WITH EARTH AND PLACEBO SEEDS. SHE CRIES AND THE TEARS FALL DOWN TO WATER AND GIVE BIRTH TO BLOOMING AND BLOSSOMING WHITE, NAMELESS AND PROUD. SHE FEEDS THE OPEN LINES BY HER BED WITH CRUMBS OF HOMEMADE COOKIES, AND SHE HIDES IN THE GREEN GRASS AND WAITS FOR THE FIRST BODY TO RISE.

AFRAID OF CHANGE, AFRAID OF BEING STUCK, AFRAID OF BEING CLOSE, AFRAID OF BEING IGNORED, AFRAID OF BEGINNINGS AND OF ENDS, AFRAID OF GETTING HURT, AFRAID OF SAYING THE WRONG THINGS, AFRAID OF MAKING YOU BORED, AFRAID OF YOU LEAVING ME, AFRAID OF YOU PUSHING ME AWAY, AFRAID OF ME PUSHING YOU AWAY, AFRAID OF BEING TOO AWARE, AFRAID OF BEING UNAWARE, AFRAID OF NEEDING YOU, AFRAID OF MISSING YOU, AFRAID OF BEING AFRAID, AFRAID OF NOT BEING AFRAID ANYMORE.

I HATE THAT I THINK SO MUCH ABOUT FOOD AND ABOUT THE AMOUNT THAT I EAT, I HATE MY BODY.

TURN FLESH INTO CLAY, SHAPE AND REMOVE.

I WILL DRINK HOT CHOCOLATE AND LISTEN TO MUSIC AND SOMETIMES WORK, IN A SHOP WHERE YOU COPY PAPERS FOR PEOPLE.

I WANT TO LISTEN TO MUSIC ABOUT HEARTBREAK AND ANIMALS, AND NEVER EVER LEAVE THIS ROOM.

I HAD A CHAIR AND A TABLE. I HAD A SMALL CASSETTE PLAYER TOO. MY ROOM WAS A SQUARE AND LIFE A CIRCLE.

I WAITED ON THE STAIRS EVERY FRIDAY. WE MADE MUFFINS AND WE FELL ASLEEP UP ON THE ATTIC UNDER THE OLD FUR COAT. AND WE WALKED OVER THOSE FIELDS OF ICE, IT WAS WINTER AND COLD AND WE MADE HOT DOGS BY THE LAKE AND I ATE MEAT FOR THE FIRST TIME IN A LONG TIME.

IT WAS A NEW WINTER AND A NEW COLD, I WENT TO YOUR HOUSE AND I KNOCKED ON YOUR DOOR. I WAS LONELY AND I NEEDED COMPANY. BUT YOU COULD NOT HELP ME ANYMORE.

I DON'T WANT THERE TO BE DAY WHEN YOU DON'T LOOK AT ME LIKE THAT.

I HAD A CHAIR AND A TABLE, AND A CASSETTE PLAYER, I DON'T REMEMBER WHAT I DID WHEN I SAT THERE.

SITUATIONS TOOK AWAY THE FEELING OF HAVING A VALUE, SO THE NUMBERS ON THE SCALE TOLD HER HOW MUCH SHE WAS WORTH. LESS AND LESS. 

BUT EVEN WHEN SHE WAS GOOD AT NOTHING SHE COULD STILL LOOSE WEIGHT.

SHE USED HER BODY TO EXPRESS WHAT SHE HAD ON THE INSIDE, THE BODY WAS THE PAINTING AND THE SICKNESS THE ARTIST.

SHE SAID THAT THE SMALLER SHE GOT THE LESS SHE FELT. THE SMALLER SHE GOT, THE LESS ROOM FOR FEELINGS. AND EVEN WHEN SHE DID FEEL, AND FELT LIKE SHE WAS GOOD AT NOTHING AT ALL... SHE COULD STILL LOOSE WEIGHT.

BUT THE NUMBERS ON THE SCALE DROPPED TO ZERO, THE WORK OF ART WAS FINISHED. SHE GAVE HER LIFE FOR WALKING ON BONES, JUST TO FIT IN THE COFFIN.

THE DARK HOME GIVES ME MORE, IN THERE I CAN REST AND TO YOU ASSURE, THAT I ONE DAY WILL FIND THE BRIGHT LIGHT, THE CURE, THE STRONG SUN AND THE FIELD WITH ROSES OF THE PURE.

WITH THE BROKEN PIECES ON THE DUSTY FLOOR, FORM A PATTERN, A MESSAGE, AND LOCK THE DOOR.

I WILL PUT A PIECE OF BLUE PAPER OVER THE KEYHOLE TO MY HEART, I AM SORRY, IT'S A BAD HABIT.

I WANT TO GO WHERE THE GREEN TREES GROW TALL AND BIG, WHERE THE BEAMS TRAVEL THROUGH THEIR ARMS AND FINGERS, AND WHERE THE STRONG, BRIGHT LIGHT FOREVER LINGERS, ON AND ON AND ON.

REYNA TELLS ME HOW WE HAVE FORGOTTEN THE REAL REASONS OF LIFE. SHE IS MY YELLOW AIR PLANE.

MY GRANDFATHER WROTE POETRY WE DID NOT KNOW ABOUT. HE PAINTED AND HE TOOK PICTURES OF THE SKY, AND TO MY GRANDMOTHER HE WROTE BEAUTIFUL LOVE LETTERS. HE WAS A THINKER AND A DRINKER AND A MAN IN LOVE.

PAPER PLANE MADE OUT OF YESTERDAY'S NEWS.

WE SAT ON THE COLD FLOOR OF HIS BALCONY. WE WERE DRINKING WARM APPLEWINE.

IT WAS A "I LIKE YOU" AND A "I LIKE YOU TOO" AND A "I LIKE YOU A LOT" AND A "I LIKE YOU TOO MUCH".

LIKE THE FINGERS OF A NEWBORN BABY AND SKIN FROM A WARM BATH, AND LIKE NEWLY LAID SHEETS AND DEW IN MORNING GRASS AND LIKE HOLDING A PIECE OF WARM BREAD.THAT'S WHAT YOU DID TO MY HEART.

WE SAT AT THE TOP AND WATCHED THE CITY MOVE THROUGH GLASS.

I REMEMBER THE WAY THE AIR FELT WHEN WE RAN TO THE TRAIN LATE AT NIGHT AND I REMEMBER THE WAY YOUR SKIN WAS SHINING THE FIRST TIME YOU UNDRESSED AND I REMEMBER THE SUN THROUGH THE WAVING GRASS AND YOUR FACE AS THE SUN LEFT AND I REMEMBER YOUR SMILE WITH THE BLUE SKY BEHIND YOU AND I REMEMBER YOUR HAIR WET FROM THE RAIN.

I LOVE WHEN YOU LEAN YOUR HEAD ON MY SHOULDER.

HE GAVE ME THE MISSING LETTERS IN THE SQUARES. WORDS CROSSING AND THINGS MAKING SENSE.

PLEASE DO NOT SEPARATE ME FROM THE TREE THAT I AM CLIMBING - BE CAREFUL.

A NEW BRANCH EVERY DAY, TO GET ME CLOSER. IT COULD SO EASILY BREAK. PLEASE, LET THIS CROWN OF LEAVES GROW STRONG AROUND MY HEART.

ON THE BUS I LISTENED TO YOUR TAPE AND I HAD TO HOLD MY BREATH. IT WAS ALMOST LIKE BIRDS TRYING TO BREAK OUT, THROUGH MY CHEST.

A BEND OR A BREAK. AGAIN, WALKING DOWN A PATH WHERE I DIDN'T BELONG.

IT IS HARD TO MAKE THE CHANGE. HARD TO BEGIN, HARD TO END IT.

A LIGHT BREEZE AND THE HOUSE OF CARDS COLLAPSES. OVER AND OVER AGAIN I CAREFULLY PLACE A NEW CARD, FOR NEW LUCK, ON THE FRAIL AIR BETWEEN PLASTIC AND PAPER. FINGERS TREMBLING AND NEW HOPE SETTLING IN WHEN THE KING HAS FOUND HIS PLACE ON THE TOP, ONCE AGAIN.

DAYS OF REBUILDING NEVER TAUGHT ME THE LESSON OF LETTING GO.

I STARE AT THE LINE WHERE WALL TURNS INTO CEILING, WHERE SIDE BECOMES ABOVE, WHERE THE RAINDROPS LEAVE STREAMING FOR DRIPPING.

A HEAVY RAINFALL, IN THIS ROOM, DOWN ON THIS FLOOR. I PULL MY TOES CLOSER, TO HIDE AND LULL MYSELF TO SLEEP. PAPERS LOOSE THEIR WRITING.

MY EYES BURN AND I THINK THAT MAYBE, I SHOULD TAKE BETTER CARE OF MYSELF.

I CAN SIT AT HOME ALONE SOMETIMES AND JUST THINK ABOUT YOU, YOU BEFORE ME, YOU WITH ME AND YOU THE DAYS AFTER THIS ONE.

I AM FALLING MORE AND MORE FOR YOU, ALL THE TIME. YOU MAKE ME FEEL EXCITED ABOUT THE FUTURE, YOU MAKE ME FEEL LIKE I HAVE POSSIBILITIES AND LIKE I CAN MAKE IT THROUGH THE HARD THINGS THAT SURLY WILL COME MY WAY. DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHAT AN AMAZING PERSON YOU ARE?

THE THINGS THAT ARE MADE IMPORTANT ARE WRONG, THEY ARE JUST EASY ESCAPES.

MY HANDS ARE SWEATY AND GET STUCK TO PAPERS.

I THINK ABOUT THE TIME WE LAID ON THE SHEETS BY THE OPEN DOOR, GREY CIGARETTE SMOKE SLOWLY DANCING UP AND OUT, PARTING AND DISAPPEARING.

I FEEL THE SAFEST CLOSE TO YOUR FACE, WHERE MY EYES NEED NO HELP AND WHERE I CAN SEE EVERY LINE AND FRECKLE SO CLEARLY.

I LIKE THE SOUND OF A DOOR OPENING AND CLOSING.

I PAINTED MY BODY IN TOOTH PASTE.

HE CLINGS TO THE PILLOW AND HUGS THE BLANKET, IF I HAD ONE PLACE TO SPEND MY LAST DAY IN, IT WOULD BE NEXT TO HIS PILLOW IN HIS BLANKET.

"I AM SO IN LOVE WITH YOU" TO THE WIND FROM THE TUNNEL.

I WANT A CEILING IN GLASS SO THAT I CAN WATCH THE STARS ALL NIGHT AND WAIT FOR MORNING TO COME SO THAT I CAN WATCH THE WHITE CLOUDS TRAVEL ACROSS BLUE SKIES.

THERE I HAD A SILENT ROOM WITH WHITE DUSTY CURTAINS AND FADING FLOWERS ON A SMALL TABLE WITH WEAK LEGS.

I HAVE A MIRROR, THAT I BROKE INTO SEVEN PIECES, BY MISTAKE, YEARS AGO. SEVEN PIECES, SEVEN YEARS OF BAD LUCK. I HAVE KEPT IT AND I WILL UNTIL THE YEARS HAVE PASSED.

YOUR FINGERS MAKING CIRCLES ON MY BELLY, BACK AND HIP

I AM JUST WATCHING YOUR LIPS

SO CLOSE I CAN FEEL YOUR HEART THROUGH THE SKIN, ECHOING AGAINST THE BONES OF THE RIB CAGE

I COULD WATCH YOUR LIPS FOR HOURS

WE SAY NOTHING, BECAUSE WE BOTH KNOW

I HOLD YOUR FACE

SHAPE